The Chronicles of Lard-assia

I’m supposed to start my pre-op diet a month before my surgery, but I decided to start easing in now, so it wouldn’t be such a shock. It hasn’t been so bad, so far. I’ve had my moments when I thought it would be impossible to do this (like in my last post), but for the most part, I’ve been doing well fighting temptation with sweets and carbs. I’m still having a hard time giving up pop though (I can’t quit you, Coke Zero). I like carbonation, damn it. From what I’ve read, and what people have told me, it will all be much easier after surgery, which makes sense, because my stomach will be much smaller.

I imagine that it’s psychological, but most of the time I’m finding myself not wanting to eat that much, and not “craving” the junk I used to want. I am trying to think before I eat though…do I really need that? No? okay then. I let myself have little treats here and there, which will have to stop July 23rd, but by then, I should be able to deal with it a little better. Plus, I must keep reminding myself that this is temporary, and I CAN do this.

What helps is that I’m noticing that I feel better, now that I am eating better, and my skin is looking better. Imagine that - a bad diet giving me acne and making me feel like crap? Nooooooooo. That’s definitely good motivation. I’ve been sleeping better too, so that’s cool. I haven’t checked to see if I’ve lost any weight, and I probably won’t because I don’t want to get discouraged. Soon I will be dropping weight like crazy (hopefully), so I’m just not going to worry about it right now.

I had my shakes and my healthy salad today, and I’m full. And I feel good. I’m drinking my pop right now, but I did mostly well today :)

I’m scheduled for surgery on 08/23. I was feeling good about it, excited even, until today. Today I’ve been panicking, and feeling full of doubt. What if I can’t do the pre-op diet and they tell me I can’t have the surgery? Then this will be all for nothing. Then, what if I do get surgery, and it doesn’t work and I’m trapped in this body forever? What if I’m such an out of control fat ass I can’t stop eating the wrong things?

I know I can do this, but I’m afraid. I want to be thin and beautiful so badly. But that little voice in the back of my head tells me that I must not want it bad enough if I allowed myself to gain so much weight.

I’ve been doing well with changing my diet though. I’m being more conscious of what I’m eating and why I’m eating it. I’m still eating things I shouldn’t, but I’m getting better.

I’m just scared. This is major. I’ve lived my whole life as a fat person. I don’t know how to be a thin person. To be able to blend in and just be anonymous in a crowd is a dream. To be able to buy clothes at any store, to wear what I want to wear, to not have to worry about fitting places or being too heavy for something, to be able to run, to not worry about being stared at or laughed at, to not be thought of as lazy or disgusting. I look forward to all of these things. I look forward to finally being happy with how I look.

I suppose I’m also afraid of having surgery. What if something goes wrong? What if I die? I’m sure I’ll be fine, but I’ll must admit that I am afraid of dying. Not because of me, but because of how it would affect my husband. How awful would that be for him to have to go home alone, and just all of the things that follow. I think I might draw up a Will, just in case.

But this will be good. Everything will be fine, and I will be on the path to a new me. Me 2.0. Right?

“Have you ever seen someone with two elbows before?” the little girl asked her brother.

“What are you talking about?” he replied.

“Look, her over there. Her arm has two elbows. Why is she like that?” the little girl said, pointing at me with a look of horror on her face.

The little boy replied “I don’t know, but she looks like a monster.”

Having heard enough, I left my shopping cart right where it was and left the store.

I want to curl up into a ball and die.